The Special Duties of Husbands
to Their Wives
By Richard Baxter (1615-1691)
He that will expect duty or comfort from his wife, must be faithful
in doing the duty of a husband. The failing of yourselves in your own
duty, may cause the failing of another to you, or at least in some other
way as much afflict you, and will be bitterer to you in the end, than
if a hundred failed their duty to you. A good husband will either make a
good wife, or easily and profitably endure a bad one. I shall therefore
give you directions for your own part of duty, as that which your
happiness is most concerned in.
Direct. I
The husband must undertake the principal part of the government of
the whole family, even of the wife herself. And therefore, I. He must
labor to be fit and able for that government which he undertakes. This
ability consists, 1. In holiness and spiritual wisdom, that he may be
acquainted with the end to which he is to conduct them, and the rule by
which he is to guide them, and the principal works which they are to do.
An ungodly, irreligious man is both a stranger and an enemy to the
chief part of family government. 2. His ability consists in a due
acquaintance with the works of his calling, and the labors in which his
servants are to be employed. For he that is utterly unacquainted with
their business, will be very unfit to govern them in it: unless he
commit that part of their government to his wife, or a steward that is
acquainted with it. 3. And he must be acquainted both with the common
temper and infirmities of mankind, that he may know how much is to be
borne with, and also with the particular temper, and faults, and virtues
of those whom he is to govern. 4. And he must have prudence, to direct
himself in all his carriage to them; and justice, to deal with everyone
as they deserve; and love, to do them all the good he can, for soul and
body. II. And being thus able, he must make it his daily work, and
especially be sure to govern himself well, that his example may be part
of his government of others.
Direct. II
The husband must so unite authority and love, that neither of them be
omitted or concealed, but both be exercised and maintained. Love must
not be exercised so imprudently as to destroy the exercise of authority;
and authority must not be exercised over a wife so magisterially and
imperiously, as to destroy the exercise of love. As your love must be a
governing love, so your commands must all be loving commands. Lose not
your authority; for that will but disable you from doing the office of a
husband to your wife, or of a master to your servants. Yet must it be
maintained by no means inconsistent with conjugal love; and therefore
not by fierceness or cruelty, by threats or stripes (unless by
distraction or loss of reason, the cease to be capable of the carriage
otherwise due to a wife). There are many cases of equality in which
authority is not to be exercised; but there is no case of inequality or
unworthiness so great, in which conjugal love is not to be exercised;
and therefore nothing must exclude it.
Direct. III
It is the duty of husbands to preserve the authority of their wives,
over the children and servants of the family. For they are joint
governors with them over all the inferiors. And the infirmities of women
are apt many times to expose them to contempt: so that servants and
children will be apt to slight them, and disobey them, if the husband
interpose not to preserve their honor and authority. Yet this must be
done with cautions as these: 1. Justify not any error, vice, or weakness
of your wives. They may be concealed or excused as far as may be, but
never owned or defended. 2. Urge not obedience to any unlawful of
theirs. No one hath authority to contradict the law of God, or disoblige
any form of his government. You will but diminish your own authority
with persons of any understanding, if you justify any thing that is
against God’s authority. But if the thing commanded be lawful, though it
may have some inconveniences, you must rebuke the disobedience of
inferiors, and not suffer them to slight the commands of your wives, nor
to set their own reason and wills against them, and say, We will not do
it. How can they help you in government, if you suffer them to be
disobeyed?
Direct. IV
Also you must preserve the honor as well as the authority of your
wives. If they have any dishonorable infirmities, they are not to be
mentioned by children and servants. As in the natural body we cover most
carefully the most dishonorable parts, (for our comely parts have no
need.) 1 Cor. xii. 23, 24, so must it be here. Children or servants must
not be suffered to carry themselves contemptuously or rudely towards
them, nor to despise them, or speak unmannerly, proud, or disdainful
words to them. The husband must vindicate them from all such injury and
contempt.
Direct. V
The husband is to excel the wife in knowledge, and be her teacher in
the matters that belong to salvation. He must instruct her in the word
of God, and direct her in particular duties, and help her to subdue her
own corruptions, and labor to confirm her against temptations; if she
doubt of any thing that he can resolve her in, she is to ask his
resolution, and he to open to her at home the things which she
understood not in the congregation, 1 Cor. xiv. 35. But if the husband
be indeed an ignorant sot, or have made himself unable to instruct his
wife, she is not bound to ask him in vain, to teach her that which he
understands not himself. Those husbands that despise the word of God,
and live in willful ignorance, do not only despise their own souls, but
their families also; and making themselves unable for their duties, they
are usually themselves despised by their inferiors: for God hath told
such in his message to Eli, 1 Sam. ii. 30, “Them that honor me, I will
honor; and they that despise me shall be lightly esteemed.”
Direct. VI
The husband must be the principal teacher of the family. He must
instruct them, and examine them, and rule them about matters of God, as
well as his own service, and see that the Lord’s day and worship be
observed by all that are within his gates. And therefore he must labor
for such understanding and ability as is necessary hereunto. And if he
be unable or negligent, it is his sin and will be his shame. If the wife
be wiser and abler, and it be cast upon her, it is his dishonor; but if
neither of them do it, the sin, and shame, and suffering, will be
common to them both.
Direct. VII
The husband is to be the mouth of the family, in their daily conjunct
prayers unto God. Therefore he must be able to pray, and also have a
praying heart. He must be as it were the priest of the household; and
therefore should be the most holy, that he may be fit to stand between
them and God, and to offer up their prayers to him. If this be cast on
the wife, it will be his dishonor.
Direct. VIII
The husband is to be the chief provider for the family (ordinarily).
It is supposed that he is most able for mind and body, and is the chief
disposer of the estate. Therefore he must be specially careful, that
wife and children want nothing that is fit for them, so far as he can
procure it.
Direct. IX
The husband must be strongest in family patience; bearing with the
weakness and passions of the wife; not so as to make light of any sin
against God, but so as not to make a matter of any frailty as against
himself, and so as to preserve the love and peace which is to be as the
natural temper of their relation.
Direct. X
The manner of all these duties must also be carefully regarded. As,
1. That they be done in prudence, and not with folly, rashness, or
inconsiderateness. 2. That all be done in conjugal love and tenderness,
as over one that is tender, and the weaker vessel; and that he do not
teach, or command, or reprove a wife, in the same imperious manner as a
child or a servant. 3. That due familiarity be maintained, and that he
keep not at a distance and strangeness from his wife. 4. That love be
confident, without base suspicions, and causeless jealousies. 5. That
all be done in gentleness and not is passion, roughness, and sourness.
6. That there be no unjust and causeless concealment of secrets, which
should be common to them both. 7. That there be no foolish opening of
such secrets to her as may become her snare, and she is not able to bear
or keep. 8. That none of their own matters, which should be kept
secret, be made known to others. His teaching and reproving of her,
should be for the most part secret. 9. That he be constant, and not
weary of his love or duty. This briefly of the matter.
Excerpted from Chapter VIII. of this English Puritan’s manual on
family life, “Christian Economics,” found in his book A Christian
Directory which was first printed in 1673 and reprinted by Soli Deo
Gloria in 1990.
Here we are fellas, a few days past Christmas and a new year on the horizon. If you're like me, your scrambling through the files of your mind trying to decide what needs to change next year and what went well this year. Most of us make New Year's resolutions at the beginning of each year and hope that we'll see them come-to-pass. There are many areas of my life that I know the Lord would like me to improve upon next year, and by His grace they will be different come December of 2012.
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In his book, Breaking the Missional Code, he writes:
