There's an epidemic in the church today of twenty-something year old young ladies who've never been courted, or have been asked for their hand in marriage, and this ought not be the case.We need to train, and re-train, the young men in the church today in the art of taking a wife, and we dads, need to raise our young boys in such a way that will enable them to actively, and aggressively, pursue a young lady for the purpose of courtship and marriage. The family helps to ensure the future of the church, and a good, Godly family is an exceptional witness of the grace of God to a non-believing world.
Bible colleges and churches are filled with beautiful, intelligent, Godly gals, who are just waiting to be pursued by a strong, masculine young man with a compelling vision for his future family. While they're waiting, many young ladies are going all the way through college and beyond, and rather than wait any longer, they may opt for the mission field, pursue a career, or perhaps even settle for a "non-believer" because he simply pursued her. This is shameful, and a blight on unmarried Christian men. We must protect the daughters of God, and one way of protecting them is by marrying them!
I have a good friend who had fallen victim of the "de-fanging" that occurs to many young men once they become a Christian. They're told so often that those beautifully attractive young ladies are their sisters, and that Christians don't do things like non-Christians, and they should never do anything that might "mess up" the relationship if things don't work out, that they end up just observing them, and going to single events with them, until one day they see those ladies move away, go to another church, or marry someone they've settle for, and spend the rest of their lives with someone who doesn't have the kind of vision they always hoped their husband would've had. This occurs far too often, and it doesn't have to be this way. The problem with de-fanging the young men, is that, well, they're still men, with the same hormones, same desires, and same need of a Godly companion.
The rare exception to this would be those who God supernaturally calls to be single for their entire lives, for a very specific purpose that He's ordained. This is rare, but does occur. Unfortunately, the church is full of men who haven't been called to singleness, but haven't been equipped for marriage either. I hope to help change this!
The friend I spoke of was able to regain his "God-given aggressiveness" before it was too late, and went out and pursued the girl he wanted, and today they're happily married serving the LORD together in ministry. Him and I had some good talks about what steps he needed to take to see this come about, and I'll be sharing some of those thoughts in the next several posts.
23 Intelligent Responses:
Wow, we have the exact opposite problem in our church. A plethora of godly young men, and a shortage of godly young women... interesting...
As a sister to an un-wed Godly Christian 25 year old...well, I loved this post.
"Where have all the cowboys gone" is my mantra on my blog.
Think of what a testimony it would even be to non-believers if those "in the family of faith" weren't spending such precious years un-married like so many of my non-believing friends do.
I have so much more to say but I would be all over the place - but I just want to say how much I appreciate you and your wife. I look forward to both of your posts so much.
Sigh... this is all too true. I myself am a young man who is pursuing a woman yet so much of my pursuit is blind, filled with error, and wrought with uncertainty. Fortunately, this is where God wants me to be in order to truly have faith in Him.. and for us to grow together. However, a part of me longs to raise a child, a son, who I can build up, nurture, and provide guidance especially in this domain where my own father did not. This "de-fanging" is NOT our identity as men! I look forward to your next posts my friend...
I’ve enjoyed looking over your blog. I came across it through another blog I follow, and I’m glad I did. I am now a follower of yours as well. Feel free to look over my blog and perhaps become one as well.
Say bro you called like it is. I have seen the same issue in other churches that I have friends at. There are some great godly women out there and praise the Lord that I am engaged to one of them. Getting married June 19th!! Can't wait. Always like to stop by and read what your writing concerning biblical manhood keep up the good work!
Thanks, you all, for all the comments and kind words. I've been working a lot and haven't been online much, but wanted to say thanks at least, if not respond to you all separately!
very good! your article was true, i've always known this as an attractive single woman at 30, but no one ever talks about it. I finally left the church too.
Anonymous,
I hope you didn't "leave" the church as in not going anymore. We all need the fellowship of believers.
The problem of men not marrying you ladies is one that needs to be addressed and I can assure you, some churches are doing a really good job at it, so hand in there!
I wish I was at one of those churches that either didn't have a problem with too many young women or who was working on getting them married :) As a 30 year old devout Christian woman, I would love to find a REAL man!
Katie,
Thanks for sharing. I know the path can be difficult at times, but the LORD knows your desires. Don't settle, that can be worse than not marrying at all!
God's grace. . .
I'm a single male age 30. First, I'll respond to the article. While I think it is true that there are a lot of twenty something males who have for one reason or another postponed marriage. I don't think it is necessarily a sign of immaturity. In my case there were couple girls that I was romantically attracted to but for reasons beyond my control could not court them. Looking back I firmly believe that God purposefully withheld them both from me not only because they were the wrong people but also because marriage had become an idol in my life. I was expecting from a potential mate what I should have been expecting from God in terms of the longings of my heart. I should also mention that I do not think it is biblical to pursue marriage. For example in the first marriage God brought the woman to the man. My first calling in life is not to be married, but to serve my Lord and Savior Jesus. I cannot serve two masters. When the time is right and if it is God's will He will provide someone. I only wish that I had come to realize that sooner instead wasting all the time I did pursuing marriage instead of God. I think that goes for everyone. Also, I would also like to ask that you carefully define "God-given aggressiveness". So often male cheerleaders like yourself exhort men to be men but give very sketchy explainations as to what it means to be a man.
Secondly, I see pictures of Maximus, King Leonidas, and William Wallace on the wall, but no picture of the greatest man of all, Jesus. Every man should aspire to be like him. He is the exact representation of God's nature (Heb 1:3) in whose image we were made (Gen 1:26). He taught. He healed. He was compassionate. He was a servant. He had the cahonas to confront the men who would one day kill him. It's God's goal that we be like him. "Those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his son. (Romans 8:29)" These three guys are pansies compared to Jesus because they are so different from him and Jesus was the ideal man.
I'm not trying to bash you. I just want people to seriously think about the issue you raised.
Jalemy,
You say you're not trying to bash me but you called me a "male cheerleader." Hmmm
You seem bitter in your comment, not sure why, and I'm not going to speculate, although I have some thoughts based on your comment.
Several things you said I would have to strongly disagree with. You said,
"I should also mention that I do not think it is biblical to pursue marriage."
C'mon, you can't seriously believe that. Don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Just because you had a bad experience finding a wife, and haven't found one yet, don't be so bitter toward those of us who have. The bible says if a man "finds" a wife he "finds" a good thing. You probably won't find what you're not looking for. The relationship God chose to describe and portray our relationship with Jesus is none other than bride and groom.
You pointed out the pics on my blog, and asked why Jesus wasn't up there. Well, we don't have any of Jesus. I'm not interested in the feathered hair, blue eyed, feminine looking, European Jesus. I have posted pics from time to time of Jesus in my posts, however.
Sorry for disappointing you so much with my blog. Hope you can find some that make you happy and encourage you.
Peace...
Hi Steve,
I beg your pardon on the use of the term "male cheerleader,". I agree marriage is a good thing. It was created by God and I can't say anything against it. What I mean by pursuing marriage is going out of my way from serving the Lord to find a wife (eHarmony, swing dancing, only hanging out in the right groups). If the right person was in my life I would pursue them.
Marriage is a shadow of the relationship between Christ and the Church. If I'm not deriving satisfaction from my relationship with the Lord then marriage will not make me happy since that relationship with Christ is superior and is what we will be experiencing through eternity while marriage is only temporary. "Whom have I in heaven but you and there is nothing that I desire besides you. My heart and my flesh may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and portion forever(Psalm 73:25-26)."
About a year ago I was at a junction in my walk with God. The question that came to my mind was this. What if God decided to withhold a wife for another ten years? Up to that point I was upset at God for not providing a wife. I didn't want to be upset at Him for the next ten years. At that point I realized that God was my real treasure and that I was putting something above Him. The happiness and liberty I had after that was amazing because an obstacle had been removed that was preventing me from enjoying Him. So in short I'm content being single. Bitter, no. The time I spent pursuing marriage was a waste because I was not pursuing Him.
Peace to you as well..
Jalemy,
Thanks for the clarification on your situation. It helps to understand what you were going through personally. I've met some guys who have taken their own personal experience regarding this issue and projected that on the masses. Each story is different, and like you said, nothing should prevent us from growing in our walks with the LORD.
I think there's something to be said about God's sovereignty and man's responsibility on this issue as well, but I'm not about to open that can of worms at this time. Perhaps I'll post about it in the future. We like to say God didn't provide this and God didn't provide that, but, I think we play in a role in things as well.
God's grace to you!
As a 41-year-old single man I can relate all too well to what Jalemy has written. I will be interested to see what direction this series takes.
In a couple churches where I was a member I think a major problem arose from the whole "courtship" fad - at least as it was implemented there. I watched a thriving and fun singles group at one of the churches fold within 6 months with its imposition. Men were being expected to know that they were willing to marry a girl before they even got to know her. Very few guys were willing to pull the trigger at such high stakes.
Unfortunately for me the churches that God has called me to (2 church plants and a small rural church) have been decidedly lacking in eligible women.
Jonathan,
Don't lose heart. Keep looking, and traveling, until it happens. There are lots of good girls out there, just waiting for a man with a vision to become one with!
Thanks, Hero!
Thank-you so much for this post! I have a friend and both her and I have commented on this common trend of 'de-fanging' Christian men. I went to a church where it seemed like the men expected to not have to work for anything, like they believed God would just bring the right woman into their lives and that would be that, it would require no effort on their part. As a single woman looking on this would at times become disheartening. It is nice to know that others see this trend as wekk.
Chronicler,
Thanks so much for the comment, and kind words!
Too many of our Christian brothers are doing exactly what you describes, waiting on God to do all the work in finding a wife. They believe it will happen to them, like it did to Adam,-just work in the garden, an WA-LA, a beautiful woman comes along looking for a mate. NOT! Lol
Thanks again...
Did I miss it? or have you not started this series yet? I am looking forward to it as mine is one church where there are a lot of eligible men and ladies, but nothing is happening. I am not really sure why as the preaching and teaching is very family friendly, but I guess the men think they 'aren't ready for marriage yet' or are looking for new girls to come to the church, or whatever. All I know is, the young ladies - over 25 of them between 18 and 42, all beautiful, smart, godly, modest, etc. - are hurting, and it may be wrong, but I extend no sympathy for the guys. I have no idea how they could ask for anything more or even entertain the idea that there might be better girls out there, but even if so, go get 'em then. Maybe they are intimidated or think they aren't good enough or something. Anyway, the girl isn't supposed to pursue so that leaves the guys to get on their horse, put their heavenly armor on, and go rescue a fair maiden. My sister is among the girls hurting, so I have been praying specifically about God putting couples together this year. Maybe they are intimidated or think they aren't good enough or something? Anyway, looking forward to these posts to share.
Rebekah,
This is a stand alone post, not part of a series, so you didn't miss it!
The picture you paint is far too common in most churches. The single men, for some reason, seem to be so afraid of pursuing a girl because she their 'sister' in Christ.
I see wanting to respect her, but there's a time to also pursue her. Tell her she's pretty, tell her you want to start a relationship with her, and ultimately, tell her you want to marry her!
Wow, you hit the nail right on the head! I also see a lot of godly young ladies, patiently waiting for "Mr. Right" to come along and marry them... My older sister is among them...
I truly believe there is a lack of teaching for young christian men; where the young ladies have had books such as "Fascinating Womanhood" and "Created to be his helpmeet" to help guide them, what have the young men had? There are a lot of pastors teaching young ladies about purity and modesty, but who is teaching the young men? I commend you in bringing up this subject, and can't wait for anything else you might have to say on the subject.
Andrew B.
Andrew B,
Thanks for the nice words of encouragement. Perhaps I'll work on some posts about his subject in the coming year.
Thanks again, and be blessed!
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