How To Take a Wife: Random Thoughts from a Simple Guy

As a father of nine wonderful children, marriage is talked about, read about, and thought about often in my home. Through the years, the LORD has laid upon my heart a blueprint that I hope will help my children all get married in due time. The process will look different for my sons and my daughters, yet, there will be some overlap in how both groups go about getting married, should the LORD allow.

In this post, I'll jot down a few thoughts I have on how my sons, and young men in general, should go about the process of "taking a wife." This isn't an exhaustive list by any means, and as a man gets older, say late twenties and beyond, the process will begin to change as well, so what I hope to do is present some unchanging principles that I've learned over the years.

Stage 1: Prepare Yourself
Young men should be about the business of men at an early age in life. This doesn't exclude having fun or playing xbox, but it does mean that there are limits on how much time is spent being burned in frivolous activities. As you age, say early teen to early twenties, what occupies most of your time should look vastly different from your younger years. What the bible calls men to be should begin forging who you're becoming. Study the lists on qualifications for Elders in passages like 1 Timothy 2, and Titus 1, then set those standards as your standards, and become them!

Stage 2: Have Biblical Worldview
Being firmly grounded in mid-air isn't an option! Know what you believe, why you believe it, and how to defend it from scripture. If you cant' defend it from scripture, change your belief so you can. Some key areas of biblical belief are:

• Will your wife work outside of your home?
  
• When will you begin having children?
  
• How will you educate your children?
  
• Will you use birth control?
  
• Do you understand headship and gender roles?
• What type of church will and your family attend?
• Will you go into debt, or stay out of debt, for various reasons?
  

Again, these are just a sample of what you should think through before you go entering into a life-long covenant with a young lady. You don't want to ask a lady to follow you if you don't know where you're going. Too many men get married before ever considering any of these questions.

I believe men should be ready to be a dad before ever getting married. I believe the womb should be open to the LORD in "most" cases, and that birth control should be avoided, again, in "most" cases.

I believe children should receive a thoroughly biblical education.

I believe God has laid upon the man the role of provider, and that his wife should work at home, helping to advance the vision that the LORD has given to the man for his household.

My ideals have grown over time, and I expect that they'll grow even more in the future. As a first generation believer, coming to some of the decisions I've come to hasn't been easy, or without complications, but I can say this, I'm able to defend why I believe them from a biblical perspective, and you should able too.

Stage 3: Look for a Wife, not a date
When the time comes and you feel like your ready for marriage, and not just a "good time," you'll begin the process of looking for a wife. Let me say this as clearly as I can, "Marriage is for Men, not boys," so if all you want is a date, good time, female companionship with no strings attached, push on. Don't ruin anyone's life because you're not willing to grow up. A woman wants a man who will lead her and take care of her, not a boy she must coddle and hope he changes someday.

The woman you choose as a bride should meet certain biblical standards, not perfectly mind you, because no one does, but at least be moving in that direction. Study the lists in Proverbs 31, along with the lists for Godly women in 1 Timothy 2 and Titus 2 as well, to gain a good understanding of what to look for in a wife.

Stage 4: Speak with her Father, or male protector
I believe in covenant headship, and therefore, I believe when a young man finds a gal he believes could be his wife, he should make his intentions known to her father, before making them known to her. This may sound awkward, but that's only because it flies in the face of how things are done in our culture, and in most Christian circles. If you're a good catch with some bait on the hook, a good father isn't going to rule you out right a way. He's only going to make sure you're marriage material, is fairly close to what his daughter is looking for (he'll know this because he'll know his daughter), and that you won't be wasting his daughter's time, and playing with the strings of her heart.

If you meet a young lady, perhaps one in her mid to late twenties or beyond, and she isn't living with parents, parents aren't alive, and/or there's no male protector in her life, then speak to her Pastor(s). A good pastor will want to protect his sheep, and he'll do what her dad was suppose to do, protect her. Let him know you're desiring marriage and that you wish to approach a lady from his church. Most pastors will welcome the opportunity of helping to facilitate a God-honoring courtship.

Stage 5: Begin the Courtship
There's too many ways to do courtship, and I'm sure many can meet the biblical standards for purity, pace and perspective, so I'm not going to go into the mechanics of "how" to court, but I will say this; courtship isn't marriage, but neither is courtship dating. You aren't in an unbreakable covenant by courting, but you shouldn't think that this courtship can end at any time, for any reason, either. I think somewhere in the middle is solid ground.


So there you have it, some of my random thoughts on "how to take a wife." If it helps, fine, if not, to each his own. Whatever way you go about finding and taking a wife, make sure you honor the LORD in the process, honor the young lady involved, and maintain your purity. Do this and you shall live, don't, and you shall die a slow and painful death. . . . . at least if my girls are involved!

Recommended resources:

Books:

   

 

 

 

"Marriage, Purity, and Honoring God"

Here's a nice piece written by Steven Crowder, Comedian and Fox News contributor, about his courtship, purity, and waiting till the wedding night for intimacy.

Click here for the article!

The author and his wife on his wedding day in August 2012. (Courtesy of the author.)

Read more: http://www.foxnews.com/opinion/2012/09/14/staying-celibate-before-marriage-was-best-thing-ive-ever-done/#ixzz272q1pyAX

"This is War" by Paul Washer

Take this to heart, Men... 

Blessed With 20 Years....

Twenty years ago today, on June 29, 1992, I had the honor of taking the lovely, Juneko Elizabeth Sass, as my lawfully wedded wife. We rode the bus in San Diego, CA., to the Wedding Bell Chapel in downtown San Diego, and at the wise old ages of 19 and 20 became one in the eyes of the Lord.

Since that time, I like to believe that we've learned a thing or two about life and one another, and about raising the eight wonderful children that the Lord has blessed us with. God has been better to me than I deserve, and I am forever grateful to Him for giving me such a wonderful and Godly helpmeet to call my wife.

Over the years I have failed miserably as a husband, but June's always forgiven me. She has been a living example of grace and forgiveness to me in more ways than I can express, and I thank her for being a living example of Matthew 16:19, "I will give you the keys of the kingdom of heaven, and whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven.” 


With June as my wife, I believe the darkest hours will turn brighter; I believe the saddest days will end with a smile; and I believe the next twenty years will be better than the previous.

Thank you, June, for saying YES I DO twenty years ago today when asked if you'll take me as your husband. It made me happy then, and it makes me happy now. I love you today more than ever, and I'm honored to call you my wife. Happy Anniversary!

Lead Them to Calm Waters

As a homeschooling Dad, one of my duties is to protect my wife and children from "doing too much." It's a lot for my wife to already be the primary educator in the home, keeper of the home, covenant partner to myself, and all the other things that's wives and mothers do, so to allow them to take on unnecessary commitments never ends well in my home.

Over the years I've seen homeschool families lean toward overcompensating for the fact that their children aren't in public school doing all the things that public school children do, and they seem to think that enrolling their kids in more and more is somehow going to help their kids not feel so different or left out. Now, I'm not advocating living a cave-like existence, where your family never does anything, but again, the norm isn't too much non-involvement, it's over involvement.

I'm not one to let the public schools decide how many activities my children should be involved in. I don't let them set our educational agenda, dictate what's taught in our home, or let them have unfettered access to my wife and kids daily lives, so why should I feel any pressure from them when it comes to activities outside the home. They have no jurisdiction whatsoever in my home, and I aim to keep it that way.

Signs of your wife and children hitting critical mass and having an over-committed schedule could be:

• More irritability in the home
• Children not happy unless they're going somewhere
• Wife stressed out
• Dad not resting after work due to kids activities
• Dad's day off consumed with wife and kids commitments 
• Family's schedule at mercy of children's schedule
• Saying no to church and fellowship because of other commitments
• No gentle and quiet spirit in your wife
• Family not home when Dad's home
• Kids activities becoming a source of tension between parents

These are just  some symptoms that maybe it's time reevaluate your family's priorities. Eliminate what you can and really enjoy that which mattes most. Rather than the kids doing too many things on their own, plan to do some neat and exciting things as a family. It bothers me greatly when I see Dads who don't take their families to enriching family events where history is taught, friendships are formed, and everyone is encouraged. 

Dad's, don't let your children grow up and leave the home without you having done everything you could to make them feel like you really believed they were gifts from the Lord. A weekend getaway with Dad is worth so much more than a season with strangers.

Sit down this week and consider what your wife are involved in and committed too, then begin asking yourself whether or not it's something they need to do or can it be eliminated. Then, sit down with your wife and ask her feedback on what you think is best. Listen to her as your helper and covenant partner, but remember, whatever decision you both make, you're responsible for it and the impending results. 

If you listen to your wife, even if you don't agree, covenant headship dictates that you can't say, "I told you so." If you can't bless the decision then don't do it. You're the head of the home, go out and function as such with the Lord guiding your path.
 
Be the leader your wife and kids need you to be, and be the man of God the LORD created you to be. Lead your wife and children to calm waters; even if they aren't asking for it, they're looking for it. 


Best wishes!

A Companion of Fools

Three Fools of Carnival, Pieter Bruegel the Elder

"Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, 

but the companion of fools will suffer harm." 

-Proverbs 13:20

There is much wisdom in this Proverb, both for young and old alike. In my home, we talk regularly to our children about the company they keep, the books they read, and how they spend their time, because my wife and I both know the powerful influence these have on our lives. 

In high school, I was the proverbial "fool" that Christian parents would've wanted their little Johnny to stay away from, and had my hand in leading many a young person down the fool's road. I lacked wisdom and discretion in many areas of life, and enjoyed finding others who shared my views. It wasn't until the Lord's grace reached me and transformed my life by removing my heart of stone and implanting a heart of flesh, that I was able to finally see my folly; and folly is putting it mildly.

So what company are you keeping these days? Who do you enjoy spending your days off with, your free time with, and your internet time with? 

What about your children; what company are they keeping? 

Who do you believe in your heart, has the hearts of your children? 

Have they become "the companion of fools," or do they walk with the wise?

The Proverb says "whoever walks with the wise becomes wise," but what exactly does that mean?  To 'walk' with the wise is to willingly reject the fool's path. Walking with someone is a predetermined, cognitive act, that moves you in a certain direction. It isn't just 'knowing' the wise, or once in a while heading in the same direction as the wise; NO, it's much more intentional, much more decisive, much more engaging, and much more formative. It's doing life with the wise, and letting the wise shape your life.

A companion of fools is easy to spot. He's the guys who mopes around aimlessly in life while the wise move toward a vision of where they want to be. The fool is seldom called upon to accomplish anything because no one, except maybe his mother, believes he can do much of anything based on his track record. He's the guy who quits every job he has because he believes his boss is picking on him. The guy who refuses to join the military because he hears stories about how hard boot camp is and that he can't play video games there. The guy who's only looking for a date, not a wife, and only pursues girls who's dad isn't the protector he's called to be in her life. The fool thinks life should be easy, where as the wise understand the fall of man and the duty of man toward God to bring order out of chaos in a fallen world.

The fool says little in life of any substance. He holds no place of honor in the systems of government God has established for humanity to live and function under. He's the guy who says "let's eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we shall die." The wise "eat, drink and are merry" as well (1 Cor. 10:31), but for much different reasons. In 1 Corinthians 15: 33-34, Paul says, 

"Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame."

Are duty as men toward God is to pursue wisdom with all our heart. And our duty as fathers and parents is to raise sons and daughters who pursue wisdom with all their heart. The trumpet has sounded and the King awaits your service....

 "Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, 

 act like men, be strong."

-1 Corinthians 16:13

Fathers and Daughters Out for the Night!

On Monday, April 16, 2012, I had the honor of escorting my three beautiful daughters to a Father/Daughter banquet in Homer Glen, Il. that was hosted by Christian Heritage Church of Orland Park. This was the third year they've hosted it, and it just keeps getting better every year.

The guest speaker was, Todd Wilson, of Familyman Ministries. He spoke about what it takes to turn the hearts of fathers and daughters back to one another. His message was simple, straight forward, and touching.

The night began with a lovely five course meal, followed by some fun games where a handful of daughters had to help dad get ready for work and gift wrap their dads to show what a gift he was. Todd then spoke over dessert, and the night concluded with fathers and daughters having an opportunity to dance a waltz together, and as a group we danced the Gay Gordon and Virginia Reel.

All in all it was a fabulous evening, and one that every daughter should have the opportunity to experience with her dad. If nothing like this exists where you live, perhaps the men from your church could pull together and host one in your region.

To see more photos and read more about the event click here.

Here's a few more pics from the night!

We all fit at one table!

Friends and family (L-R) Herb, Vince, Me, Tony

Our table

Me showing everyone how to dance!

My daughter, Naomi!

Aerial shot of the banquet hall!

My friend, Herb being Gift wrapped by his daughters!

My daughter, Joy!

Me and my daughter, Janai, enjoying a waltz!

My friend, Tony, getting help from his daughters to go to work!

The Result of NOT Fathering Your Sons

6 year old, Aliyah Shell, pictured above.

This past weekend saw 49 people get shot, with 10 fatalities, in the city of Chicago, where I grew up. One of the victims who died was a 6 year old little girl named, Aliyah Shell, who was shot while sitting with her mother on the front porch of their home, as her mom brushed her hair while they prepared to attend a birthday party on a warm, sunny afternoon.

Read the article here.

The reason this post is entitled, "The Result of NOT Fathering Your Sons," is because these shootings, as with most violent crimes, were perpetrated by young men with no fear of God, and no measure of self control, which fathers, like myself, are commanded to instill in their sons when they're growing up. When boys are allowed to grow up without men teaching them what manhood is all about, we end up with weekends like this one. The two young men who shot and KILLED this innocent little girl are 18 and 16 years old, who's lives are now forever changed, like Aliyah's.

I have a hard time believing that these two young men have hard working fathers who spend lots of time with them living at home. If that turns out to be the case, I will be very surprised. More often than not, young men who commit crimes like this are being raised by single moms, who are doing what they can to pay the bills and keep food on the table, while the men who fathered the boys, are out doing their own thing. I grew up in Chicago's Logan Square neighborhood, so I know what I'm talking about. But not for the grace of God, I would have been one these young men.

Having said that, I really wouldn't have a problem with the fathers of young men who commit crimes like this being held responsible in some fashion. True, the fathers didn't pull the trigger of the gun that killed Aliyah, but neither did they train the hearts of the boys who did, and for that, I say, hold them responsible.

Now the Chicago Police Department is scrambling as they look for ways to combat violent crime in Chicago, so that the citizens there can feel safe, when the only answer needed is found in the world's most bought and read book in human history, the Bible. One verse we can start with is Ephesians 6:4, which reads;

"Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord."

Or how about Psalm 78:5, which says,

 "He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teach to their children,"

 And if we're man enough to read on, Deuteronomy 21: 18-21 says this to fathers of rebellious sons:

If a man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey the voice of his father or the voice of his mother, and, though they discipline him, will not listen to them, then his father and his mother shall take hold of him and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gate of the place where he lives, and they shall say to the elders of his city, ‘This our son is stubborn and rebellious; he will not obey our voice; he is a glutton and a drunkard.’ Then all the men of the city shall stone him to death with stones. So you shall purge the evil from your midst, and all Israel shall hear, and fear.

Now, will sin reign in the hearts of some sons, even though they've been brought up and disciplined by Godly men, yes...

Are men responsible for their own actions in the sight of the LORD, yes...

Can the violence we see in our culture being thrust upon society, in large part, by men, be GREATLY reduced, yes it can...

This little girl didn't have to die in the arms of her mother, who had dreams and goals for her little gift from God, the way that she did. The two young men who killed Aliyah will pay for their crime, in this life and the next, apart from faith in Jesus Christ for the forgiveness of their sin, and as a society, we long for justice. But what about their fathers? Are they around? Are they alive? Do they even know what their sons did???

In Revelation 21:5, Jesus said, “Behold, I am making all things new.” And to that, I say, Amen.

As men, we must embrace our roles in society and do our duty to the LORD. He has commanded us to disciple our children, to love our wives, and to work hard. With a quick glance at culture, it doesn't take long to see how men have completely abandoned what they were created for, and wear their refusal to be a man as a badge of honor. LORD help us.

As you go through your day, keep Aliyah's family in your prayers, as well as the city of Chicago. I have family that live there, know men ministering there, and believe God can do amazing things there.

May every man do his duty...

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**If you're able to help with the $8,000.00 funeral cost, please visit my wife's blog where she's collecting money to give to the family. This little girl was best friends with my friends young daughter in kindergarten, so this story is very disturbing on several fronts. If you can't help financially, please pray as you remember to. Thanks, and God Bless...

Here's To Good Health!

Stacy Kennedy wrote a nice piece on the importance of men living a healthy lifestyle. From eating right, to getting enough exercise, it pays to get healthy. Her article can be read on the Reboot Your Life website by clicking here. Have a great weekend!

Lessons Learned From My 60 Day Juice Fast

November 2011 ------------------------------------ March 2012

I recently concluded a 60 day juice fast, and wanted to share briefly, a few lessons I learned during my journey. I originally set out to do 30 days, but during that time watched the documentary, "Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead," by Joe Cross, on Netflix and was inspired to extend it to 60.

What I learned:

• God's design for the human body is incredibly resilient. (Your body knows how to take care of itself if given the chance to.)
• You don't NEED food to live on, you NEED nutrients. 
• When allowed to repair itself, your body's an amazing physician. (Your body will burn fat, repair cells, detoxify itself, and slim down evenly through the process.)
• Years of neglect can be undone in a short matter of time.
• Juicing fruits and vegetables is fun, and can be a family endeavor. 
• Getting healthy is contagious. (During my fast, I put out a "10 for 10" challenge on this blog, and got about 12 people who took me up on it. As well, three of my children also fasted, my 9 year old son and 15 year old daughter fasted for 3 days, and my 19 year old daughter fasted for 10 days. As well, my wife also fasted several meals during that time!)
• The Lord will give you strength to accomplish what you don't think you can do.
• Food should be appreciated, not taken for granted.
• There's an entire community of people out there fasting and trying to get healthy. (The fan page for the movie has over 113,000 fans!
• Complete strangers will get behind you and encourage you toward your goal.
• Everywhere I went smelled like food. 
• Your body will respond to your mind's decision.
• It's totally worth it.
• God is good!

It was quite an adventure, and took me down many roads. I spent several outings with my wife and friends in restaurants and diners, and really wasn't tempted much. For those interested in the numbers, here they are:

• Total weight loss - about 65 pounds. 
• Waist - from size 48 to 42/44. 
• Abdomen - lost about 8-9 inches around.

My goal now is to keep the weight off by eating much healthier. I will continue to juice in the mornings for my essential green needs, and eat plenty of fruits and vegetables throughout the day. Am I going completely green, or vegan, no I'm not. But I won't be eating meat like I used to either.

I look at it this way; if most of my meals are healthy, then on Sundays, when my church has their delicious potlucks of meat and desserts, or when my wife and I go out for lunch or dinners, I'll have the freedom to indulge a bit without feeling guilty. I plan to make plenty of my own salads for lunch and will begin a good exercise program as well. And oh yeah, I will fast again. I'm even thinking about the next 60 day fast---seriously. You with me on this one???

So here's to good health my friends. Take care of yourselves out there, and If I can help in any way, please contact me and I would consider it an honor to offer my input!

Christian Tatoo Artists

(From the Archives of The Coloseum)

This is Seattle tattoo artist and shop owner Damon Conklin. Scary dude, right? Think again.
He's an evangelical Christian who uses tattoos as a form of religious expression.

Christian tattoo shops are gaining a lot momentum these days. Some of the artwork being done is fantastic. But not all would agree that tattoos on Christians is OK, right?

So I'm asking what you think.

Should Christians get tattoos?

Is any scripture violated by getting them?

What message is sent by Christians who get them or have them?

To read the full article on the tattoo artist above click here! I could be wrong, but I believe he goes to Mars Hill.

Man's Role in Marital Communication

I think we'll all agree that communication in marriage is a main ingredient for a successful marriage, but guys, have you ever stopped and thought about how easy our part is? I mean seriously, it struck me the other day while out on a lunch date with my lovely wife. She spoke and I listened. I listened to her share her thoughts and ideas, her concerns and questions, and her excitement about the future while she works on some new eBook ideas. And what did I do --I listened. Oh yeah, I inserted the occasional, well timed, "uh huh," and "oh really." I also threw in a few, "that's great," and one that most men do well, the big ol "Wow."

So there it is. After 20 years of marriage, I finally got the communication thing down pretty well. Our lunch date ended with my wife feeling happy she got to share everything on her mind for a few hours, and I got to listen to her share. Most guys can do this with some effort, and it isn't too far from grunting, so you don't feel feminine doing it either. So give it a shot, guys, insert a few strategically placed words during a lengthy conversation your wife is having.......with you, and watch how happy she'll be knowing that you love her.

Happy communicating!

My "10 for 10" Challenge!

I haven't written about it, but I've been on a juice fast for the past 46 days, and plan on doing 60. I started out with 30 days in mind, but around 24 days into it, I decided to watch the documentary, "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead" on Netflix, and was motivated to go for 60. If you have Netflix, I HIGHLY recommend you watch that movie. It's tremendous!

So far I've lost about 55 pounds, went from 48-44 on my pant waist, and feel great. I have a lot more energy throughout the day and haven't felt this agile in a long time. My 10 year old son, Ravi, saw me come out the bathroom with no shirt and said I have a "six pack." He may need glasses, but I'll take it!

So, about my "10 for 10" challenge. I'm looking for 10 people to join me on my journey to good health and do a 10 day juice fast with me. The dates are from February 20 - March 1. These are the last 10 days of my 60 day fast, and would love to end my journey with you partnering with me. We can all break our fasts together on the morning of March 1st!

If you've  never fasted before, visit the website, Reboot Your Life, which was founded by the creator of the documentary mentioned above. There's loads of great information for you to read and learn more about fasting and moving toward better health.

So whether you're a seasoned faster, or first timer, would you please consider joining me on this journey. The Lord describes us as 'mind, body, soul and spirit' and I believe He desires for all these areas to be as healthy as possible. Let me know if you're in via an email, or 'Friend' me on Facebook. God Bless and Juice On!

Here's the trailer for the documentary, "Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead," which can be seen on Netflix, or rented on Amazon for $2.99!

The Essence of Masculinity

Boys Will Be Boys

I have five boys, so let's just say I know a thing or two about how boys act on their road to manhood. Besides having five sons, I have two older brothers, and we were no different growing up either. Boys have a need to express themselves in masculine ways, and a good parent won't try to beat that out of them, or steer them toward expressing themselves like their sisters. A bloody nose is good medicine for the road ahead.

The goal of raising sons is to prepare them to be leaders one day. Whether that's in the form of husband, father, business owner, elder or deacon, we need to teach our boys that life isn't always fair and that sometimes they may need to fight for what is right. To shield your boy from the pain of life is to render him damaged for the the future. Momma won't always be there, and they should learn early on that Momma doesn't always have to be there.

Recently my boys have had some minor tussles with other boys from the neighborhood, and like good sports, after the dust settled, they shook hands and put it behind them. By no means do I want to raise bullies who seek blood for no good reason, but on the other hand, neither do I want to raise cowards who go running away when life gets a little tough. There's a time to talk, and a time to fight; a time to stand fast, and a time to retreat; and our goal as parents is to teach our boys when those times are.

Single Christian Ladies and the Men Who Need to Marry Them

There's an epidemic in the church today of twenty-something year old young ladies who've never been courted, or have been asked for their hand in marriage, and this ought not be the case.

We need to train, and re-train, the young men in the church today in the art of taking a wife, and we dads, need to raise our young boys in such a way that will enable them to actively, and aggressively, pursue a young lady for the purpose of courtship and marriage. The family helps to ensure the future of the church, and a good, Godly family is an exceptional witness of the grace of God to a non-believing world.

Bible colleges and churches are filled with beautiful, intelligent, Godly gals, who are just waiting to be pursued by a strong, masculine young man with a compelling vision for his future family. While they're waiting, many young ladies are going all the way through college and beyond, and rather than wait any longer, they may opt for the mission field, pursue a career, or perhaps even settle for a "non-believer" because he simply pursued her. This is shameful, and a blight on unmarried Christian men. We must protect the daughters of God, and one way of protecting them is by marrying them!

I have a good friend who had fallen victim of the "de-fanging" that occurs to many young men once they become a Christian. They're told so often that those beautifully attractive young ladies are their sisters, and that Christians don't do things like non-Christians, and they should never do anything that might "mess up" the relationship if things don't work out, that they end up just observing them, and going to single events with them, until one day they see those ladies move away, go to another church, or marry someone they've settle for, and spend the rest of their lives with someone who doesn't have the kind of vision they always hoped their husband would've had. This occurs far too often, and it doesn't have to be this way. The problem with de-fanging the young men, is that, well, they're still men, with the same hormones, same desires, and same need of a Godly companion.

The rare exception to this would be those who God supernaturally calls to be single for their entire lives, for a very specific purpose that He's ordained. This is rare, but does occur. Unfortunately, the church is full of men who haven't been called to singleness, but haven't been equipped for marriage either. I hope to help change this!

The friend I spoke of was able to regain his "God-given aggressiveness" before it was too late, and went out and pursued the girl he wanted, and today they're happily married serving the LORD together in ministry. Him and I had some good talks about what steps he needed to take to see this come about, and I'll be sharing some of those thoughts in the next several posts.

Characteristics of A Qualified Church Planter

 (The following article is copied from the Acts 29 Blog, and written

by Scott Thomas, President of Acts 29)

Seventeen Characteristics of a Qualified Church Planter

by Scott Thomas, President of Acts 29

Besides sharing one Barbie-sized bathroom with 287 people for six hours, the most difficult thing about flying is keeping up with the ever-changing TSA rules. They now use Imaging Technology that can scan a person's body for exploding underwear or exploding breast implants (seriously).

The qualifications for a pastor have been the same for almost 2,000 years. (Don't tell the TSA or they might mess with it.) Jesus came as the perfect fulfillment of this list of qualifications. He is the Chief Shepherd of the Church and we are the undershepherds.

Before you run a battery of tests to determine if you have the qualities of a church planter, make sure you are first qualified as an elder. I found 17 distinct qualifications for a church planter in Scripture. All elders are guilty to some degree of violating these qualifications. Examine whether this is a pattern of your behavior to fulfill the "above reproach" category.

Above Reproach
(Titus 1:6, 7; 1 Tim 3:2)

This is the overarching, summarizing characteristic. You will find similar (but not identical) lists in First Timothy and Titus. Living a life above reproach is the first requirement in both lists and Titus repeats it. The other items on the list merely explain what "above reproach" means. If we peruse the two lists, as well as First Peter, we find 17 qualifications of an elder who is above reproach.

1. A Pastor must be devoted to his wife; one-woman man (Titus 1:6; 1 Tim 3:2).

The pastor's marriage illustrates Christ's love for His church—His bride (Eph. 5:22 ff.). A Pastor must love his wife exclusively with his mind, will and emotions and not just his body.

2. A Pastor's children must be in submission, though not perfect (Titus 1:6; 1 Tim 3:4-5).

If a man does not know how to manage his own family, he will not know how to take care of God's church. The first flock for a pastor is his own family as Pastor Dad. A Pastor's qualification for the church starts in his home management as he leads them in the discipline and admonition of the Lord (Eph. 6:4).

3. A Pastor is a faithful Steward (Titus 1:7)

Here the term used is overseer (Greek episkopos). It is not another office, but a functional title of the elder. It is what he does. He is a steward, a manager of God's resources and Jesus' flock. He takes responsibility, but not ownership.

4. A Pastor must be humble - not arrogant (Titus 1:7)

A pastor must constantly demonstrate the gospel by admitting when he is wrong and assuming responsibility and restoring relationships.

5. A Pastor must be gentle - not quick-tempered (Titus 1:7; 1 Tim 3:3)

No man will be of any use in the kingdom that is quick-tempered. The difference between how Jesus demonstrated anger is that He was angry at the abuse of others in the name of religion and the dishonoring of God. We get angry at how it affects us.

6. A Pastor must be sober - not a drunkard (Titus 1:7; 1 Tim 3:3)

This is not just overindulgence in alcohol but is idiomatic for any behavior that fuels addictive responses.

7. A Pastor must be peaceful - not violent (Titus 1:7; 1 Tim 3:3)

A pastor is prone to inflict violence through his words. He is to be a peacemaker.

8. A Pastor must have financial integrity - not greedy for gain (Titus 1:7; 1 Tim 3:3; 1 Peter 5:3)

A pastor is to be upright in his financial dealings and not accused of pursuing money over the kingdom of God.

9. A pastor must be hospitable (Titus 1:8; 1 Tim 3:2)

A pastor's home is to be open for others to enjoy. A pastor's home is not a heaven on earth, but rather a place of ministry.

10. A Pastor must be a lover of good (Titus 1:8)

A pastor genuinely loves what is good. He does not just think he should love it.

11. A Pastor must be self-controlled (Titus 1:8; 1 Tim 3:2)

Self-control is a characterization of every area of a pastor's life: diet, time, mouth, exercise, relationships, sex, and money.

12. A Pastor must be upright (Titus 1:8)

He has integrity in his relationships and in how he treats others.

13. A Pastor must be holy (Titus 1:8)

His life is devoted wholeheartedly to Jesus externally and internally.

14. A Pastor must be able to teach (Titus 1:9; 1 Tim 3:2)

All of the other qualifications are character qualities. This is the only ability-based requirement. He is to be able to teach sound doctrine, not just be able to communicate in an excellent manner. His teaching can be to one or two, to twenty, to a hundred or to a thousand. Most of the churches in Crete were house churches. The elders were to defend the faith once delivered to the saints against the numerous false teachers that arose.

15. A Pastor must be spiritually Mature (1 Tim 3:6)

Positions of authority without spiritual maturity lead to the trap of pride. When pride grows in a man, sin abounds.

16. A Pastor must be respectable (1 Tim 3:7)

That does not mean that everyone must like him or even appreciate him. It means that there is no credible witness to an ongoing sinful behavior.

17. A Pastor must be an example to the flock (1 Peter 5:3)

Elders are examples of Biblical expressions sexually, time management, marriage, parenting, worship, relationships and any other way. A pastor should be someone your sons could pattern their life after and the kind of man your daughter should marry.

Conclusion
What would you do if an elder violates one of these requirements? 1 Timothy 5:19-20 warns us not to accuse an elder flippantly. Matthew 18:15-18 gives us the steps: 1) Go to the elder alone, 2) If still unsatisfied, go with another person, 3) If still unsatisfied, let the greater eldership know. If accusations are verified and the elder remains unrepentant, rebuking that elder before all is the next biblical step.