How To Take a Wife: Random Thoughts from a Simple Guy

As a father of nine wonderful children, marriage is talked about, read about, and thought about often in my home. Through the years, the LORD has laid upon my heart a blueprint that I hope will help my children all get married in due time. The process will look different for my sons and my daughters, yet, there will be some overlap in how both groups go about getting married, should the LORD allow.

In this post, I'll jot down a few thoughts I have on how my sons, and young men in general, should go about the process of "taking a wife." This isn't an exhaustive list by any means, and as a man gets older, say late twenties and beyond, the process will begin to change as well, so what I hope to do is present some unchanging principles that I've learned over the years.

Stage 1: Prepare Yourself
Young men should be about the business of men at an early age in life. This doesn't exclude having fun or playing xbox, but it does mean that there are limits on how much time is spent being burned in frivolous activities. As you age, say early teen to early twenties, what occupies most of your time should look vastly different from your younger years. What the bible calls men to be should begin forging who you're becoming. Study the lists on qualifications for Elders in passages like 1 Timothy 2, and Titus 1, then set those standards as your standards, and become them!

Stage 2: Have Biblical Worldview
Being firmly grounded in mid-air isn't an option! Know what you believe, why you believe it, and how to defend it from scripture. If you cant' defend it from scripture, change your belief so you can. Some key areas of biblical belief are:

• Will your wife work outside of your home?
  
• When will you begin having children?
  
• How will you educate your children?
  
• Will you use birth control?
  
• Do you understand headship and gender roles?
• What type of church will and your family attend?
• Will you go into debt, or stay out of debt, for various reasons?
  

Again, these are just a sample of what you should think through before you go entering into a life-long covenant with a young lady. You don't want to ask a lady to follow you if you don't know where you're going. Too many men get married before ever considering any of these questions.

I believe men should be ready to be a dad before ever getting married. I believe the womb should be open to the LORD in "most" cases, and that birth control should be avoided, again, in "most" cases.

I believe children should receive a thoroughly biblical education.

I believe God has laid upon the man the role of provider, and that his wife should work at home, helping to advance the vision that the LORD has given to the man for his household.

My ideals have grown over time, and I expect that they'll grow even more in the future. As a first generation believer, coming to some of the decisions I've come to hasn't been easy, or without complications, but I can say this, I'm able to defend why I believe them from a biblical perspective, and you should able too.

Stage 3: Look for a Wife, not a date
When the time comes and you feel like your ready for marriage, and not just a "good time," you'll begin the process of looking for a wife. Let me say this as clearly as I can, "Marriage is for Men, not boys," so if all you want is a date, good time, female companionship with no strings attached, push on. Don't ruin anyone's life because you're not willing to grow up. A woman wants a man who will lead her and take care of her, not a boy she must coddle and hope he changes someday.

The woman you choose as a bride should meet certain biblical standards, not perfectly mind you, because no one does, but at least be moving in that direction. Study the lists in Proverbs 31, along with the lists for Godly women in 1 Timothy 2 and Titus 2 as well, to gain a good understanding of what to look for in a wife.

Stage 4: Speak with her Father, or male protector
I believe in covenant headship, and therefore, I believe when a young man finds a gal he believes could be his wife, he should make his intentions known to her father, before making them known to her. This may sound awkward, but that's only because it flies in the face of how things are done in our culture, and in most Christian circles. If you're a good catch with some bait on the hook, a good father isn't going to rule you out right a way. He's only going to make sure you're marriage material, is fairly close to what his daughter is looking for (he'll know this because he'll know his daughter), and that you won't be wasting his daughter's time, and playing with the strings of her heart.

If you meet a young lady, perhaps one in her mid to late twenties or beyond, and she isn't living with parents, parents aren't alive, and/or there's no male protector in her life, then speak to her Pastor(s). A good pastor will want to protect his sheep, and he'll do what her dad was suppose to do, protect her. Let him know you're desiring marriage and that you wish to approach a lady from his church. Most pastors will welcome the opportunity of helping to facilitate a God-honoring courtship.

Stage 5: Begin the Courtship
There's too many ways to do courtship, and I'm sure many can meet the biblical standards for purity, pace and perspective, so I'm not going to go into the mechanics of "how" to court, but I will say this; courtship isn't marriage, but neither is courtship dating. You aren't in an unbreakable covenant by courting, but you shouldn't think that this courtship can end at any time, for any reason, either. I think somewhere in the middle is solid ground.


So there you have it, some of my random thoughts on "how to take a wife." If it helps, fine, if not, to each his own. Whatever way you go about finding and taking a wife, make sure you honor the LORD in the process, honor the young lady involved, and maintain your purity. Do this and you shall live, don't, and you shall die a slow and painful death. . . . . at least if my girls are involved!

Recommended resources:

Books:

   

 

 

 

A Safe Place To Be

I hate hearing of men who refuse to protect their daughters-who won't stand up or speak up when the wolves come looking for food. Since when was 18 the age that girls needed to defend themselves; to provide for themselves; or to make it by themselves? I don't find that in the Bible, so I'm left to assume that someone, in years past, declared this, and the masses who were...(better not say it) followed suit.

The LORD has blessed me with three of the most beautiful girls any man could hope to marry, and I'll tell the world- without hesitation- that my girls have a safe place to live until the day I give them away in marriage. I love them, and when you love something, you protect it. How many men wouldn't even leave their xbox out in the rain, but would have no problem leaving their daughters out in the world unprotected, unprepared, and unloved. Oh, but, "I do love my daughter," they'll say, and I say, "nonsense," you love your freedom and extra money more than you love your daughter, and that's why the wolves are well fed tonight!

A daughter should be protected by her dad until it's no longer possible to do so. When he walks her down the aisle and places her hand into the hand of her husband, the exchange should be more than tradition, it should be symbolic of what has truly occurred; she was cared for and protected by her dad, and now that duty passes to her husband. And while we're on the subject, may I say that the white dress should mean she's a virgin?- or would that upset too many people? Indeed, to raise a virgin daughter to adulthood, and give her away pure and undefiled to her husband is a lofty goal in the culture we live in, but guess what, we serve a God who has declared that with Him, "all things are possible."  

Nehemiah says that men are supposed to fight for their sons and daughters (Neh. 4:14), not give them to the enemy for his own pleasures. No age is mentioned in scripture when men are to stop doing this either. We can apply wisdom to this, and understand that not all families are in tact and walking with the LORD. We all know girls who, for one reason or another, don't have a dad to protect them, and to them I say, there's still a way. Maybe other Godly men in your family can oversee your affairs, or perhaps an Elder or Deacon at your church. I'm sure any Godly man would relish the opportunity to protect and invest in the life of a sister in Christ.

So go ahead, men, dream big for your daughters, don't settle for the low, sleezy standard that our culture says is normal. Get a vision for beautiful girlhood from scripture and take the steps necessary to see it come to fruition. They don't have to look like Miley, LiLo, JLo, Gaga, Britney, or Katy to be special, accepted, and loved; all they have to do is be who God made them, and not who culture hopes they become. 

Your girls should not fear growing up thinking that they'll have to move out, get a job, and make it on their own: they should grow up knowing that their dad will always provide a safe a place for them to live and grow, to prosper and mature, to learn and develop, and to be courted and wed. God has a plan for girls, and it isn't what we see all around us. Give your daughters to the LORD and see what He does with them. Don't give them to the wolves, because we all know what they'll do. Protect your girls...they'll be eternally grateful you did!

~Strength and Honor~

Lead Them to Calm Waters

As a homeschooling Dad, one of my duties is to protect my wife and children from "doing too much." It's a lot for my wife to already be the primary educator in the home, keeper of the home, covenant partner to myself, and all the other things that's wives and mothers do, so to allow them to take on unnecessary commitments never ends well in my home.

Over the years I've seen homeschool families lean toward overcompensating for the fact that their children aren't in public school doing all the things that public school children do, and they seem to think that enrolling their kids in more and more is somehow going to help their kids not feel so different or left out. Now, I'm not advocating living a cave-like existence, where your family never does anything, but again, the norm isn't too much non-involvement, it's over involvement.

I'm not one to let the public schools decide how many activities my children should be involved in. I don't let them set our educational agenda, dictate what's taught in our home, or let them have unfettered access to my wife and kids daily lives, so why should I feel any pressure from them when it comes to activities outside the home. They have no jurisdiction whatsoever in my home, and I aim to keep it that way.

Signs of your wife and children hitting critical mass and having an over-committed schedule could be:

• More irritability in the home
• Children not happy unless they're going somewhere
• Wife stressed out
• Dad not resting after work due to kids activities
• Dad's day off consumed with wife and kids commitments 
• Family's schedule at mercy of children's schedule
• Saying no to church and fellowship because of other commitments
• No gentle and quiet spirit in your wife
• Family not home when Dad's home
• Kids activities becoming a source of tension between parents

These are just  some symptoms that maybe it's time reevaluate your family's priorities. Eliminate what you can and really enjoy that which mattes most. Rather than the kids doing too many things on their own, plan to do some neat and exciting things as a family. It bothers me greatly when I see Dads who don't take their families to enriching family events where history is taught, friendships are formed, and everyone is encouraged. 

Dad's, don't let your children grow up and leave the home without you having done everything you could to make them feel like you really believed they were gifts from the Lord. A weekend getaway with Dad is worth so much more than a season with strangers.

Sit down this week and consider what your wife are involved in and committed too, then begin asking yourself whether or not it's something they need to do or can it be eliminated. Then, sit down with your wife and ask her feedback on what you think is best. Listen to her as your helper and covenant partner, but remember, whatever decision you both make, you're responsible for it and the impending results. 

If you listen to your wife, even if you don't agree, covenant headship dictates that you can't say, "I told you so." If you can't bless the decision then don't do it. You're the head of the home, go out and function as such with the Lord guiding your path.
 
Be the leader your wife and kids need you to be, and be the man of God the LORD created you to be. Lead your wife and children to calm waters; even if they aren't asking for it, they're looking for it. 


Best wishes!

A Companion of Fools

Three Fools of Carnival, Pieter Bruegel the Elder

"Whoever walks with the wise becomes wise, 

but the companion of fools will suffer harm." 

-Proverbs 13:20

There is much wisdom in this Proverb, both for young and old alike. In my home, we talk regularly to our children about the company they keep, the books they read, and how they spend their time, because my wife and I both know the powerful influence these have on our lives. 

In high school, I was the proverbial "fool" that Christian parents would've wanted their little Johnny to stay away from, and had my hand in leading many a young person down the fool's road. I lacked wisdom and discretion in many areas of life, and enjoyed finding others who shared my views. It wasn't until the Lord's grace reached me and transformed my life by removing my heart of stone and implanting a heart of flesh, that I was able to finally see my folly; and folly is putting it mildly.

So what company are you keeping these days? Who do you enjoy spending your days off with, your free time with, and your internet time with? 

What about your children; what company are they keeping? 

Who do you believe in your heart, has the hearts of your children? 

Have they become "the companion of fools," or do they walk with the wise?

The Proverb says "whoever walks with the wise becomes wise," but what exactly does that mean?  To 'walk' with the wise is to willingly reject the fool's path. Walking with someone is a predetermined, cognitive act, that moves you in a certain direction. It isn't just 'knowing' the wise, or once in a while heading in the same direction as the wise; NO, it's much more intentional, much more decisive, much more engaging, and much more formative. It's doing life with the wise, and letting the wise shape your life.

A companion of fools is easy to spot. He's the guys who mopes around aimlessly in life while the wise move toward a vision of where they want to be. The fool is seldom called upon to accomplish anything because no one, except maybe his mother, believes he can do much of anything based on his track record. He's the guy who quits every job he has because he believes his boss is picking on him. The guy who refuses to join the military because he hears stories about how hard boot camp is and that he can't play video games there. The guy who's only looking for a date, not a wife, and only pursues girls who's dad isn't the protector he's called to be in her life. The fool thinks life should be easy, where as the wise understand the fall of man and the duty of man toward God to bring order out of chaos in a fallen world.

The fool says little in life of any substance. He holds no place of honor in the systems of government God has established for humanity to live and function under. He's the guy who says "let's eat, drink, and be merry for tomorrow we shall die." The wise "eat, drink and are merry" as well (1 Cor. 10:31), but for much different reasons. In 1 Corinthians 15: 33-34, Paul says, 

"Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” Wake up from your drunken stupor, as is right, and do not go on sinning. For some have no knowledge of God. I say this to your shame."

Are duty as men toward God is to pursue wisdom with all our heart. And our duty as fathers and parents is to raise sons and daughters who pursue wisdom with all their heart. The trumpet has sounded and the King awaits your service....

 "Be watchful, stand firm in the faith, 

 act like men, be strong."

-1 Corinthians 16:13

Fathers and Daughters Out for the Night!

On Monday, April 16, 2012, I had the honor of escorting my three beautiful daughters to a Father/Daughter banquet in Homer Glen, Il. that was hosted by Christian Heritage Church of Orland Park. This was the third year they've hosted it, and it just keeps getting better every year.

The guest speaker was, Todd Wilson, of Familyman Ministries. He spoke about what it takes to turn the hearts of fathers and daughters back to one another. His message was simple, straight forward, and touching.

The night began with a lovely five course meal, followed by some fun games where a handful of daughters had to help dad get ready for work and gift wrap their dads to show what a gift he was. Todd then spoke over dessert, and the night concluded with fathers and daughters having an opportunity to dance a waltz together, and as a group we danced the Gay Gordon and Virginia Reel.

All in all it was a fabulous evening, and one that every daughter should have the opportunity to experience with her dad. If nothing like this exists where you live, perhaps the men from your church could pull together and host one in your region.

To see more photos and read more about the event click here.

Here's a few more pics from the night!

We all fit at one table!

Friends and family (L-R) Herb, Vince, Me, Tony

Our table

Me showing everyone how to dance!

My daughter, Naomi!

Aerial shot of the banquet hall!

My friend, Herb being Gift wrapped by his daughters!

My daughter, Joy!

Me and my daughter, Janai, enjoying a waltz!

My friend, Tony, getting help from his daughters to go to work!

Don't Grow Weary...

An encouraging word to parents in our 3rd video blog. Happy Palm Sunday to everyone, and hope you all have a wonderful and safe Holy Week!

You Only Get One Shot

Pictured here is my little, Joy Noelle. She's 6, and it seems like just yesterday we welcomed her into our home after her arrival in the world.

The same is true with all my children. When each of our eight children have been born it seemed as though June and I had our entire lives to raise them. We felt like we had time to squander, time to make mistakes, time to pursue our desires, and then, eventually get around to raising our kids.

Sadly, this isn't how life goes. Time waits for no one, and like it or not, our kids grow older whether we invest time in them or not. They will eventually become adults, move on with their lives, start families of their own, start businesses, become parents, and do all the things that God created them to do--question is-- will I feel content with how I raised them when that time comes?

I only get one shot at raising them, so I need to be sure I'm aiming my arrows at the right target. What will it matter if I play in sports leagues as an adult, if my kids wished I was with them? What will it matter if I pursue my desires, if my kids wished I pursued them? What will it matter if I advanced my career, if my kids wished I had advanced my relationship with them? What will it matter if gain the whole world, but forfeit the souls of my little ones to the god of personal pleasure?

We only get one shot men, are you aiming at the correct target? Will you be one of those Dads who grows old with a heart of regret because you pursued the meaningless, at the expense of the meaningful? Will you wish you had invested in them as much as you invested in those who in the end, are no where to be found?

Don't be that Man!
Invest in your kids while you still have time. Devote your life to ensuring that your kids walk faithfully with the LORD, cause truth be told, that's all that really matters!

"If I teach my son to keep his eye on the ball, but don't teach him to keep his eye on Jesus Christ, I have failed as a Father." -Voddie Baucham, Family Driven Faith

Strong words from a strong Man of God. Hope they help you gain perspective!

Til Death Unites or Separates Us,
TMD

Men, Military, and Masculinity: When these are lost, women die!

The recent attack on soldiers at Ft. Hood has been a sober reminder to me of the perils that our nation places her daughters in by allowing them to serve in the military. I know my position may be unpopular, but as a US Navy veteran myself, I feel that someone has to stand up and say what the word declares; that women were not created for combat, period!

Genesis 2 declares God's design for women, namely, to be a helper, mother, nurturer, home-maker, daughter of God, educator, feminine counter-part, a sort of domestic queen if you will, with unique and invaluable attributes given to her by the LORD. She was to complete the image of God that is best represented by a man and women in covenant, under the authority of Almighty God.

Man was to be the Provider, the one who set his hands to the plow, working the ground to bring forth sustenance for this family. Man was also to be the Priest, hearing from the LORD, and leading his family in a way that brought honor and glory to the God who created him. He was also to be the Prophet, discerning the culture around him, and pointing out anything that could affect his family, then taking steps to ensure it didn't infiltrate his home. And finally, he was to be the Protector, the one who, when faced with an enemy who could bring harm to his family, would draw his sword and fight for the lives of his loved ones.

Man was to be these things because the word declares that man is the glory of God (1 Cor. 11:7). Man and woman together are the image of God (Gen. 1:27), and the God we serve is all these things to us, and much more. The LORD is our Priest, our Prophet, our Provider and our Protector, and as men, we need to be things as well.

One of the 13 soldiers killed this past week at Ft. Hood was a young girl from the Humboldt Park neighborhood in Chicago, and attended Kelvyn Park High School. This hits home for me because I too, am from Humboldt Park and attended Kelvyn Park High School in Chicago. Her name was Francheska Velez, she was 21 yrs old, and she was 3 months pregnant.

Should women wear the gear of a warrior and go forth into battle? Should they be the ones, along with the men, losing limbs and lives to defend the borders of our nation? Should they lay dying in their own blood, while their precious child lays dying inside their wombs? You know, and I know, the answer is a resounding NO. This defies everything we know of our God in scripture. If you disagree, I'd love to know why!

Deuteronomy 22:5, says,

"The woman shall not wear that which pertaineth unto a man, neither shall a man put on a woman's garment: for all that do so are abomination unto the LORD thy God."

A careful word study of this passage shows the phrase "pertaineth unto a man" refers to "the gear of a warrior."

Then we have a passage like Nehemiah 4:14, which says,

"And I looked and arose and said to the nobles and to the officials and to the rest of the people, "Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, who is great and awesome, and fight for your brothers, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your homes."

Who fights for their wives? Men do!

Sadly, because of the ravages of radical feminism on the church of our LORD, some will disagree with me regarding this, and to those I say, reconsider. Think logically about the effects of a movement that begins firmly grounded in mid-air, leaves God out, only to invoke Him at the funerals of those they helped to slay.

We need men everywhere to stand up for women and children, stand up for their manhood, and stand up for their God! Reclaim what was lost, engage in the battle, and put your manhood to good use....